Friday, 30 May 2014

You sir are a b**b

SP and me met after a real long time. So we were catching up and in the meanwhile SP offered me a  bottle of lager, almost certain I would decline!

Me: Sure, why not?

SP: Whoa, dude! When did you start drinking?

Me: Don’t say it like that, you make it sound so cheap !

SP: Alright, classy man you hated beer! What changed?

Me: Ah! Nothing man.., I had been sitting on my bean bag for 8 months, thinking what went wrong.. Then a thought comes into my mind- why don’t I screw up a little more? Lol!

SP : Hahaaha! I know that feeling! I am glad you have started! You have a long way to go!

Me: hell no man, I haven’t started anything!

SP: I don’t get it….

Me: Take for example us two. You are a whore when it comes to booze. And I, well, I am just not a virgin anymore ! 

SP: You are a whore!  

Me: I don’t have a girlfriend who is still going through puberty!

SP: She is in 11th for god’s sake!

Me: That actually actually makes you a pimp !

SP: You…you sir are a boob!

Me: That means you’re a sucker! 

SP: No booze for you!!!

Friday, 23 May 2014

Yo Madhya Pradeshis!

I had a pretty hard time adjusting to the new people here in Madhya Pradesh. These people just don't get any sarcasm. Not all but the ones I know. On twitter there is a whole new plethora of people with the wittiest and most sarcastic lines I have ever seen. And some of them are madhya pradeshis. But the ones with which I hang out, well, it's just suffice to say they found me an alien and I, well, I found them to be a vagina.
Here's some of the best instances where I used a common english phrase that were misunderstood and my humorous side was stomped with a hammer as big as Pamela Anderson's boobs!

#Situation 1

Me: Yeah.. I know right! Who could've imagined! I am just having the time of my life here in Bhopal !

Madhya Pradeshi : Time of your life??? What do you mean. Come clear.

Me to myself : Do these people still build wells around here? coz I gotta drown myself in one of them!

#Situation 2

Me:  I would like to take you out someday..

Madhya pradeshi : What?

Me: I mean I like you so.. was just hoping that we could hang around...

Madhya Pradeshi : What???? Love me? I don't know what to say... I hardly know you.. how can you like me?

Me: I meant you are a date-able person. That's why I didn't say I love you..

Madhya Pradeshi : So how can we go out together?

Me: I am sorry. What?

Madhya Pradeshi : Arre baba.. Only couples go out together.

Me: I think we have got ourselves in a fundamental standoff here. That's the whole concept of dating. You know, never mind, why don't we just hang around like friends?

Madhya Pradeshi : Hang around what?

Me to myself: Did she actually say this? No, this can't be true! How did she got my number? Bl-ee-ddyy whatsapp!

#Situation 3

Me: hey bro! What's up?

Madhya Pradeshi : everything's goin fine..So you are now talking to *****? What's going on man?

Me: That ain't none of your shit bro !

Madhya Pradeshi : huh?

Me: Huh?

Madhya Pradeshi : what did you say? I don't need to shit..

Me to myself : It's fair.Even Delhites couldn't connect to my 8 mile eminem photo on fb.

Me to him : I need to shit -_-

#Situation 4

Madhya Pradeshi : You know ***** mam was asking about your whereabouts. Why don't you come to college?

Me: Oh let it be! You know how busy I am.... And now you do realise how hot I am. Even teachers miss me !

Madhya Pradeshi : Oh please! You are an idiot for not coming to college...

Me: Oh damn you girl.. you found out about that so early :D

Madhya Pradeshi : Start coming to college regularly from now on!

Me: See.. even you can't resist me !

Madhya Pradeshi : And did you complete that file?

Me: Not really..

Madhya Pradeshi : You are really messing up hard! There's going to be problems...

Me: Just chill out lady. Those will be my problems. Don't sweat it man!

Madhya pradeshi : I don't sweat like a man! You know what? I am going to sit over there!

Me to myself : Oh god! This isn't funny anymore. Please get me a person who gets me!

#Situation 5

Me : So howz your gym routine going?

Madhya Pradeshi : Fine, I guess. But yours must be better, no? Afterall you get to see all girls!

Me: Yeah, it's a shame your gym has different timings for boys and girls...And FYI I don't watch girls,they watch me :D

Madhya Pradeshi : What's FYI? And yeah..yeah.girls watch you....ha!

Me to myself : Seriously? It wasn't even a phrase! No wonder these madhya pradeshis can only use TY as a short form for Thank you -_-

Me: FYI means fooling you instantly !

#This completes another rant by IHY

PS- (FYI means for your info.)

Saturday, 10 May 2014



The catchy title, the awesome cover tricks you into believing this is going to be hearty read. I also fell for that when I ordered this book with great expectations. I was myself going through a dull phase and I had anticipated this book would atleast do me some good. But I was wrong. I had never felt so cheated by a book. So here it goes fellas- my first book review for an insipid, horrendous book of all times- come on inner peace, I don’t have all day.

                The story opens with a prologue consisting of the author and his panditji. I am sorry swamiji. In the beginning the author makes it abundantly clear that his intelligence is far above all of us and therefore, he spoonfeeds us at every level. All throughout his book, we as readers are humiliated because Mr. Garg thinks we are herds of cattle and we will not be able to interpret what he is trying to implore. So he irritates us time and again with his explanations for every point. At one such instant he even reminds us that he is using third person! God, such an irritable and irrational fellow he is. But I don’t think he wanted to intentionally do that. First of all, he is a Baniya and next I think his brain is underdeveloped. Have you ever seen a kid who tries to understand something? After so many tries when he finally does, he is overjoyed and creates such a hoo-halla around!  In the same way, Sachin Garg feels too elated when he understands the most basic, most common notions.  I don’t know what’s wrong with the guy but he also gives us his “own”  theories and explanations and that too in points behind every simplest saying or “mantra” in the book. Well, of course there is no mantra. But we’ll get to that later.

                 Now comes the really irritating part. The story and the characters in his book are underdeveloped. Swamiji reminds me of any quack,nanga sadhu that you can spot during kumbh melas. The anchor himself seems lost and his surroundings just don’t make any sense. His girlfriend died and he thinks he is somehow responsible for it. He has a mother who is so understanding that she doesn’t even ask him questions on what kind of shit he is smoking.! It does not end there. He has a joyful friend saloni who is married at 23. She sends him to the babajis, sorry swamiji’s ashram in rishikesh while she herself goes to a long vacation in south Africa. He is one twisted fuck, this author. On one hand he is really depressed about losing his girlfriend but on the other hand this guy is continuously obsessing over the placement offers he is going to get 3 months henceforth. Well, sounds reasonable doesn’t it? On one hand you’re battling suicidal thoughts and on the other you’re obsessing about the pay package. Nevertheless, the story goes on and I try to dissect every line to find even the slightest sign of peace. Unfortunately all I get to know is “That from now on I stay far away from fucking Indian authors”!
                The guy reaches rishikesh, meets a 40 year old vandana and some other creepy people. He tries to blend in the ashram environment , presumably fails utterly. No guesses then who helps him- His Swamiji (pun intended). Our motherfucking swamiji is a goddamn genius! He makes our protagonist go on a trip to find the other girl he had met in his life while he was in Goa some years back. I really wonder how this guy managed to survive in DCE. He had a gf, he thought she betrayed him and so he went to goa! Dude! Who gave your semester exams? And his mother did not even bother about him even then. The guy was cleaning floors and his mother was doing what? She was bloody understanding! Yeah, right!  So much for the perfect Indian mother, huh? Anyways, Samar then embarks on a journey to find his long lost love Navya across India. In the process, we discover how fucked up our little author is. Now he finds navya has indulged into drugs. So to make her escape out of them the protagonist makes some drugs himself! He goes to rave parties, describes us scenes from there and from being a book about peace, this book eventually takes turn to a GUIDE. A guide to make heroin. A guide to stay out of drugs and also a guide to do every fucking illegal thing in this country behind the curtain of “adventure”. The author even quotes WIkipedia on harmful effects of drugs at one point! I've never been this pissed off with a guy in my entire life! Dude!!! If we required some bullshit teachings on whether drugs are right or not we would have bought something else damn it! This guy is really proving me right on every front! That Indians are bloody nosy people and they have advice for you on just everything. Even in his book amateurs give all kinds of advice.. Everybody seems to be advising everybody! God I am so angry now!!! 
        Coming back, Vandana has cancer and Navya has to be treated for drugs. So instead of taking one to rehab and other to a fucking hospital our little friend decides to become a doctor himself. And he even becomes one! How? In his words only- YOUTUBE! Voila!

          Are you fucking kidding me? This guy should be put in a rehab for god’s sake! Never mind that.  So the story somehow manages to come to an end and when you’re so dreary, the author suddenly remembers the main purpose behind his book. So he writes a short paragraph where he lays down on floor and speaks his mind to swamiji. Hence, peace achieved! Quite simple really! You just need to talk to fucking total strangers! No problem! Finally Samar our protagonist settles down with Navya. I found it totally absurd how that is peaceful? Your gf died and you settled with another girl? If that's not enough navya, a newly cured meth addict is sent out to cure another meth addict! Great work guruji, sorry swamiji ! 

             My fucking 3 hours gone completely waste! Really Mr. Garg, you should stop writing. This is not the right area for you. I don’t know how this book managed to reach the bestseller spot in our country because although I’ve been really at my best at ridiculing Indians but one thing they do know is about books! Maybe it’s all just the hype and the name that did the trick. Much like “the secret from Rhonda Byrne”. People really like sstuff about peace and you tricked and cheated them all.

Now my final verdict- (A gentleman’s review)

Come on inner peace by Mr. Sachin garg seems to be an interesting and grappling novel at first look. The cover is excellent and the topic pampers our creative craving. But the content of the book is well below average. With so many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes I wonder if at all any editing had been done to this book. The story fails to impact the audience and the author’s assumption of being superior to the masses makes his book a total disaster. The book bears a mareked similarity to our veteran author Chetan Bhagat as is clear from the title of a chapter- “vandana speaks” like “Ryan speaks” in the “five point someone”. The language used by the author feels like a second grade version of Chetan Bhagat’s and clearly, it REPELS us to the core. The author is himself far from peace and that is also aptly reflected in his book. I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone unless they want to lose their peace of mind. 

P.S- I found out that this book was published by author's own publication company! So that does answers the poor editing. I have my reservations if this book would have really gone to shelves if the author didn't own a publication company.
   Also I have not actually seen Breaking Bad myself but people say it's just the Indian version of breaking bad. So congrats Mr. garg, you are rewarded for plagiarism as well :)